Pass The Brass

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris’ Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson’s disease.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s crap.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the world, that’s why we have a hole in the O-zone layer.

There is no such thing as paralyzed and unparalyzed people, just people who have met Chuck Norris and people who haven’t.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ordered a pepperoni pizza. When he discovered that they had forgotten the pepperonis, he roundhouse kicked the delivery boy and stapled him to the pizza and ate it.

Chuck Norris’ favorite color is cold blood.

Chuck Norris does not see dead people. He eats them.

If Chuck Norris jumped off a bridge, you would to.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

In high school, Chuck Norris had a reputation. He once used an M-60 heavy-fire machine gun on a bully. 26 innocent deaths was a small price to pay for vigilante justice.

Chuck Norris will eat your soul for a Klondike Bar.

Ok-ok-ok thats enough…there’s too many to list here.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 13th, 2005 at 10:45 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.