Pass The Brass

It’s like something I can’t escape.

Like a ship being tossed around in some storm out at sea, I have all these maddening ups and downs. And I can’t help but constantly keep thinking there’s something wrong with me. Why do I keep harping on all the bad aspects and it seems so hard to keep my eyes on whats good?

I think I am starting to understand the reasoning behind “Modern Psychology”. I keep looking for an excuse. I want something to blame. Or maybe I just want some stupid test medication to numb me to all this crap. I’m looking for some solid form of relief besides that of sitting down after days like these and just trying to settle my brain on something healthy and shut work off for the night at least. I don’t enjoy laying in bed trying to sleep while my mind is trying to solve all of my problems at work.

I have been hesitant to put this out, but I keep getting this feeling like I’m just not cut out for this. What kills me is how I held the exact opposite view before I got put into this position. Shining from the outside is always easy…it’s when you’re inside and trying to shine outwards that is the true test of character.

My spiritual battle at this point in time is battling that desire for a way out. I want an escape, to just lay down and give up. I always want things “the old way”. My slothfulness is trying to get the best of me and I’m battling it every day I go to work.

Something else that I’ve been tossing around in my brain is how I handle stress. I’ve concluded that while I was in Irak, I was more than happy to go drivin’ around outside the wire standing in the turret with a constant sniper, IED, RPG, whatever kind of threat we may face out there. That stuff got my adrenaline goin’ and it just wiped whatever fear I may have had right off the slate. I accredit most of that “fearlessness” to my feelings towards death. I know I’ll be going to a better place in that event, so the transition has never caused me any fear or anxiety. I’ve come to conclude that what I actually do fear…is day to day misery. To actually dread waking up every morning instead of embracing it with the joy we were meant to.

So I sin with my anxieties and fears of this life…and yet, to me it’s almost a hell on earth to actually go about ones life hating it and wishing for more. I feel as if I am shackled to some disgusting fleshly rule book that is governing me and in turn, my soul. I feel bound, trapped and violating some spiritual mandate. Like I’m totally wasting all of this time that I have been allotted here. Or is that some militaristic time management system speaking? HAHA! Look at what I have become from when I first began this journey. I wish I had some old replica of myself so that I could hang out with me for a day just to see that major difference in character, personality, beliefs, and all that madness. It would be an eye opener.

That old saying “If I knew then what I know now” comes to mind.

Not sure if I’ve said it before on here but I have this one of a kind mind that refuses to shut off from time to time. Granted it may not be filled with any thought provoking material at all times, but it normally operates at full capacity on just your daily useless crap. If you’ve ever read Stephen King’s Dreamcatcher…think of it as that filing room…where there are no file cabinets…just stuff…in a turbine wind tunnel…that never shuts off. heh heh. Like I said, it gets pretty crazy in here sometimes.

Anyway, I just thought I would see if I could possibly pour some of my mind out on here to create a lil breathing room up here. Its a bit stuffy right now and I farted a while ago and it’s just lingering. I need some fresh air badly. Yah…yah I like that analogy I think that suits me just fine.

Cheers folks! I feel better already!

This entry was posted on Friday, October 26th, 2007 at 7:28 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.